


Out Of Control

by prepare4trouble



Series: Little By Little [16]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Command Decisions, Consequences, Ezra Has a Bad Day, Ezra needs a hug, Gen, Visually Impaired Ezra Bridger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 08:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9989357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prepare4trouble/pseuds/prepare4trouble
Summary: Apparently, there are consequences to telling the truth.  Ezra never expected that things would change so quickly once the secret was out of his hands.





	1. Chapter 1

“Bridger.”

Ezra turned to see Sato striding purposefully toward him. The commander’s hands were clasped together behind his back, in what appeared to be an attempt to make his approach look like a casual stroll. If that were his intention, he was failing badly.

Ezra glanced around quickly, not _really_ searching for an escape, but checking if he had one anyway. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to speak to the older man -- well, actually, it was that exactly, but the feeling was due the circumstances, not to Sato himself; on any other day, he would be happy to talk with with the commander. There was nobody else nearby that he could use to start up a different conversation, and any attempt to walk in the other direction would have been too obvious. No way out. He sighed quietly to himself, stopped, and waited for him to catch up.

The expression on Sato’s face as he approached was unreadable. That had nothing to do with Ezra’s eyes. In the bright, outdoor conditions he could see somebody right in front of him perfectly well. Nerves gnawed at the pit of his stomach. Sato knew; Hera must have told him by now. Why else would he be coming over?

They had discussed at length how to handle telling people, but what had never been mentioned was what would happen next; how to deal with people that knew, how to -- whether to -- act as though everything was the same as before, or whether to confront the issue head on. How to handle those reactions that he had observed when Kanan had first been injured, what it might be like to feel that directed at himself.

He smiled, probably a little awkwardly, and folded his arms tightly across his body. “Morning, Commander,” he said.

Sato glanced around him from left to right, before nodding stiffly in greeting.

Ezra waited, silence stretched tight between them, and it was all he could do not to make an excuse and leave. He backed off a step, and looked away, watching the tip of his boot scrape a curved line in the dust on the ground.

“I would like to express my sympathy,” Sato said, after a pause that had probably been closer to a few seconds than the hour it had felt like. “Captain Syndulla informed me of your situation this morning.”

Ezra nodded. He drew in a slow, deep breath. This was the first time he was having this conversation with somebody he hadn’t told himself. It was weird, like he had suddenly lost control of the secret. What had just a few short weeks earlier been his alone, was suddenly out there. Hera had told Sato, Kanan had told, or was going to tell, Rex, and he was under no illusions that it was going to stop there. Even if Ezra decided to never tell another person, it would become general knowledge eventually. The idea was an uncomfortable one.

Sato’s obvious discomfort mirrored his own, and that didn’t help anything.

“I’m aware you are in the early stages of this condition still, and I don’t want to make assumptions about what you can and can’t do…”

A sudden self-defensive instinct overwhelmed him, and Ezra subconsciously straightened his posture, making himself as tall as he could, still folding his arms like some kind of defensive barrier between them. “I can do everything I’ve always been able to do,” he said. Okay, maybe not _everything_ but as near to it as was needed. He wasn’t about to let anybody think he needed help with anything. Least of all Sato. Even if he did.

Which he didn’t.

Sato nodded. “I don’t doubt that is true. But I’ve taken some time to consider, and for the time being, at least until we’ve had the opportunity to have a proper conversation about this, I believe it would be better if you were removed from active duty.”

Ezra’s mouth dropped open. Instinctively, he glanced around again, partly hoping to find some support -- if Sabine or Hera or someone just happened to have been walking past, there was no way they would let Sato do that -- but also mostly checking that there was nobody else around to overhear this. Even worse than people knowing, which he accepted would happen eventually, was the idea of people thinking he might not be fit to do his job.

Either way, there was nobody within earshot, they were alone. It probably hadn’t been by design; Sato would have had simply come over to speak to him as soon as he had noticed him, but Ezra couldn’t help but feel that he had been deliberately ambushed with nobody to take his side. One kid, Jedi or otherwise, couldn’t possibly convince the commander to change his mind. He needed backup.

He should have taken Hera up on her offer to let him be there when she told Sato. That way, this conversation would probably have happened when she was there. Sato respected her opinion, he might have listened to her. Unless... what had Hera said during that meeting? Had she accidentally implied that he was less than capable? Had she done so deliberately? _Had it been her suggestion?_

He realized that he hadn’t responded for what felt like a very long time. He clamped his still-open mouth closed and tried to gather his thoughts, “You don’t need to do that,” he assured him. “I…”

“My primary responsibilities are the success of the Rebellion, and the safety of the men and woman under my command,” Sato interjected. “One of those people is yourself, and the others include those who might be placed in danger if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t see.”

Ezra shook his head. “That won’t happen! I’ve been careful, I know how to…”

“As I understand it, you’ve been keeping this a secret for over a year, since your first introduction to the wider Rebellion. If you’re not above lying about something like that, how many other things might you fail to mention in the future?”

Ezra slumped. It hadn’t been lying.

Had it?

“So you're doing this to reprimand me for not telling you sooner,” he decided. He didn’t phrase it as a question. Suddenly, it was the only explanation that made any sense.

“No.” Sato lifted an arm and allowed it to hover in the air for several seconds. He looked at his hand, as though he was wondering what it was doing, then reached over and patted him on the shoulder. Ezra could practically feel the other man’s awkwardness, it was as though he wasn’t quite sure how to handle the conversation. There was no doubt though, that his mind was made up. Sato shook his head. “I’m doing it to keep everybody safe. I’m certain that in time you will learn to compensate for this. I don’t pretend to understand Jarrus’ methods, but I don’t doubt them, or his ability to teach you.”

“This isn’t fair!” Ezra said. He felt his cheeks reddening in embarrassment and frustration. Stupid, pointless tears prickled as they threatened to fall, and he instinctively turned his eyes skyward in an attempt to hold them back.

“We’ll schedule a conversation about this in a few weeks, when the missions in the Cathonie system are finished and we have a bit of downtime,” Sato said. “In the meantime, if you could grant Captain Syndulla and myself permission to discuss your medical history with N0151A, that would be useful.”

“With _who_?” Ezra stared at him, left momentarily baffled by the sudden way that his day had gone downhill.

“The med droid,” Sato clarified. “Jarrus should be in on the discussion too. I have something I need to take care of, but we’ll continue this another time.” He turned away and began to walk back toward one of the base’s main buildings, hesitated, and turned back. “I’m truly sorry,” he said, not making eye contact. “And this is a temporary situation, we _will_ get you back out there as soon as possible. You are important to the Rebellion.”

Ezra stared after him as Sato retreated back into the base, disappearing among the people going about their business. Ezra stood alone, arms folded tightly across his chest, pinned into place by indecision. Should he chase after him? Beg him to reconsider? Offer to prove himself somehow? Or should he find Hera, try to find out what she had said to him, whether Sato had discussed this with her first? Or should he do what his instincts told him; go back to bed, and try the day again tomorrow?

“Hey, Ezra, right?”

He was wrenched from his reverie by a voice behind him. He spun around to find himself looking at a kid, maybe his own age, maybe a little younger. He recognized him, in a vague, seen-him-around kind of way, although if they had ever spoken before, he couldn't specifically recall. He blinked a few times quickly, and tried to erase the shock and hurt from his expression, and smiled. “Yeah, uh…?”

“So, how’s it going?” the kid asked, then screwed up his face in an expression of dismay. He raised a hand to his head and slapped himself once, lightly. “Sorry,” he said.

Ezra frowned, confused. “You are?” he asked. “Why?”

“Well…” the kid looked around shiftily, “You know. I heard about… It’s pretty obvious how it’s going, right?”

Ezra blinked again, a cold feeling seeping quickly through him. “What?”

“You know, my dad lost one eye and about half the sight in the other working in the weapons factories on my homeworld,” he said. “I mean, I know it’s not quite the same, but if you ever want to talk, or… I dunno. I’m here, okay?”

“I…” Ezra shook his head, old instincts kicking in. “Sorry,” he said. “Not sure what you mean. Look, I have to go… good to meet you though. Sorry about your dad.”

He turned on his heels and fled, mind racing. Sato was one thing, it made perfect sense, and had been agreed on beforehand. He had known that, sooner or later, it was going to get out, but already? It was too soon.

He wasn’t ready for it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra glanced at her, and then at the seat on the opposite side of the table. He approached reluctantly, slouched into the seat, and fixed his gaze on the top of the table between them. “It’s not fair,” he said quietly. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Ezra half-ran into the room with a look of angry bewilderment on his face. Hera saw him notice her a moment too late for him to be able to turn and leave again without it being obvious. Instead, he made an abrupt turn and skirted around the edge of the lounge, not looking in her direction. When she finally managed to make eye contact with him, he immediately glanced away and made himself appear interested in something at the other side of the room. A tactic that would have been successful if not for the facts that, firstly, there was nothing there of interest to anybody, and secondly, she wasn’t an idiot.

She had been on her way out, heading back to her quarters to go over some mission reports, but that could wait, for a little while at least. Whatever was happening here was more important. Even if it was nothing, if he was just having a bad morning, right now it took precedence.

She folded her arms and turned in his direction expectantly, waiting for him to notice her pose. He didn’t, or at least appeared not to. She waited a few seconds longer, expecting him to turn around at any moment to tell her that he didn’t want to talk about it, but when he didn’t, she realized that was probably down to his sight; the lessening of his peripheral vision making it impossible for him to see her out of the corner of his eye, and thus grow uncomfortable under her scrutiny.

That realization sent a shockwave through her. It was the second thing she had noticed, the first being the time he clearly hadn’t been able to read the text on a datapad; the second time his condition had made a difference to something. It was going to happen more and more often now, seeping slowly into all of their lives until the idea of normal shifted, became something else. It had happened before, that slow shift into accepting a new reality, different circumstances, but more times than she could count, and every time it had hurt.

She pushed the thought out of her head. She wasn’t even sure, now that she thought about it, that the whole thing hadn’t been in her imagination; perhaps Ezra had seen her just fine, and was deliberately ignoring her, hoping that she would just give up and go away, but she didn’t think so. She stepped a little closer, moving further into his central vision as she did. He definitely did attempt to ignore her then, but she caught the exact moment that he noticed what she was doing, and she knew now that until then, she hadn’t been seen.

“What?” he asked, when it became obvious that she wasn’t going to give in.

“That’s funny,” she told him. “I was about to ask you the same thing.” 

He frowned, puzzled.

“What I mean is, why are you pretending to be interested in that access panel?”

Ezra glanced at the panel in apparent surprise, as though he had only just realised what he was doing. Finally, he folded his arms defensively and turned to look at her. “I talked to Sato,” he said, then left that statement hanging in the air as though it were some kind of an explanation.

Hera waited expectantly for a continuation, but none came. Instead, Ezra turned and walked across the room, turned again and paced back. Whatever it was, he was clearly agitated. His footsteps reverberated loudly on the metallic floor as he walked, and his body radiated tension, visible in the way his hands clenched in and out of fists, and his arms folded and unfolded, as though he didn’t know what to do with them. His eyes were on everything, darting around the room from left to right, up and down. It was as though no part of him could settle for even a moment. 

“Ezra,” she tried, speaking calmly. She followed his progress back and forth across the room with her eyes. “What is it? What about Sato?”

He turned to face her suddenly, spinning on his heels and fixing a glare in her direction, blazing with barely suppressed fury even as his eyes glistened. “He grounded me, Hera!”

“He…” She frowned, trying to make sense to the words.

“Grounded me. Banned me from missions.” Ezra turned and paced the room one more time, before spinning to look in her direction again. “Removed me from active duty.”

It was something she had considered. Something that she hadn’t mentioned to Ezra, of course. Or to Kanan, yet. Not to Sato either. It was something to keep in reserve, for later. If… when things got bad with his sight, if he wasn’t able to compensate, if he wasn’t coping and was putting the team at risk. Not now, while he was still more or less okay.

But, was he? She thought of those moments earlier, when she had known that he couldn’t see her. If she had been the enemy, what might have happened? She sat down, hoping that her lack of activity might convince Ezra to follow suit. He turned to look at her, slowing but not stopping his ongoing march across the room.

“What did he say?” she asked.

“He just walked straight up to me, said that I was off active duty, and left.”

She frowned. Sato sometimes seemed to struggle with the best way to handle difficult conversations, but that sounded a little extreme, even for him. “That was all he said?”

Ezra paused in his pacing and turned to look at her. “Pretty much,” he said. “I mean, there was some other stuff, mostly just awkwardness, apologies and not listening to a word I said. But that was the gist of it, yeah. He didn’t mention this when you spoke to him? _You_ didn’t mention this, did you?”

“Me?” Hera frowned. She hadn’t. She was beginning to wonder though whether she should have. “Of course not. Look…”

“He never did this to Kanan!’

She sighed. In Kanan’s case, he hadn’t had to; Kanan had made that decision himself, taken himself out of not only the fight, but everything else besides. “Will you sit down? Please, Ezra?”

Ezra glanced at her, and then at the seat on the opposite side of the table. He approached reluctantly, slouched into the seat, and fixed his gaze on the top of the table between them. “It’s not fair,” he said quietly. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I know.” Hera touched his hand. Ezra flinched, but remained where he was, still very deliberately not looking at her. “I’ll talk to him,” she said. “Ultimately, the decision is his, but I’ll see what I can do.”

The worst part was, she understood where Sato was coming from. The move was premature, and depending how Ezra progressed, might not even need to happen at all, but Sato was a leader, and leaders sometimes had to make unpopular decisions in order to keep their people safe. She just wished he had warned her ahead of time. Maybe let her speak on Ezra’s behalf, and if the decision remained the same, let her break the news.

“Anyway, ‘off active duty’ could mean any number of things,” she added.

He shook his head. “It doesn’t, Hera. He was pretty clear about what he meant. And he’s not even going to think about it again until all the missions to the Cathonie system are finished. Who knows when that’s going to be?”

“I’ll talk to him,” she repeated. “See if I can speed up the process.”

Ezra sighed pointedly, then nodded. “Thanks.”

He still slumped unhappily in his seat. His refusal to look in her direction did nothing to disguise the layer of unshed tears filling each eye. She had rarely seen him look so utterly dejected, and she had been with him at some of his worst moments. “Is there something else bothering you?” she asked.

Ezra shook his head, but she could tell he wasn’t being truthful. She could see right through him. How he had managed to keep his secret for so long was a mystery to her.

Sensing her scrutiny, Ezra finally glanced in her direction, and then away again just as quickly. “I think everyone knows,” he muttered, finally. “So that’s… yeah.” He slid out of his seat and turned to head for the door, but paused after a few steps and looked back in her direction. “I have to go, Kanan wants me for a lesson about now.” He grimaced, as though the thought were an unpleasant one, then turned and fled.

As far as she knew, Kanan was still with Rex, sharing the news and, if it went anything like their usual get-togethers, probably a glass or two of whatever drink one or the other of them had managed to get his hands on. But maybe the lesson was later, and Ezra was making up an excuse in order to get some time to himself. She knew from her experiences with Kanan that that wasn’t necessarily the best thing right now, but she also knew that any attempt to talk him out of it would probably be rejected.

Instead, she allowed herself a few precious moments to sit and breathe before the next crisis hit, then got up, and went to look for Sato.

**Author's Note:**

> ♥ ♥ Comments are loved ♥ ♥


End file.
